I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
