woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
