thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
