so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
