Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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