i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
