dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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