Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
