I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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