Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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