my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
