We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
