the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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