i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
