If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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