Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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