we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
