is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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