Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He passed out mid-signature
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Sext me about skeletons
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
