Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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