well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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