I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize