About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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