Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize