Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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