Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
third nipple confirmed
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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