No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
