If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
