It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
