Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
