I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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