How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
