my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
