Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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