I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
