sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
