You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
