he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
