Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
