the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
