She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
