I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
