Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Randomize
