I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize