Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
