Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
