Just fell off a train. Bad.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize