Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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