does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
