Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
my shit smells like andre
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize