it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
