I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
