So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
