Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize