i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
