Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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