I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
